Email evaluation (CONS)

 Dear Prof  (Short form, absence of the name, disrespectful)

This is an introductory letter that I hope allows you to get to know me better. I am

currently studying in the engineering in Singapore Institute of Technology as a Year 1

student. (unnecessary, could've just said ‘Year 1 engineering student’)Unlike many other students, I graduated from a junior college (National Junior College). I received my A-level certification in the science stream in 2021. This aided me greatly in the various modules that I have had to take since I achieved some exemptions (junior colleges are infamous for their rigorous curriculum). (subjective and informal tone, usage of parentheses interrupts the flow of the email) My interest in engineering developed as I was always fascinated by mechanical robots, both in terms of related device components design and operating systems.

My hobbies are also unorthodox for my age subjective, undermines the professionalism of the email. I really enjoy gardening, cooking and listening to classical music. These hobbies have contributed to the development of my analytical skills and aesthetic sensibilities, as planting and tending a garden, creating a sumptuous meal and assessing the intricacy of a classical symphony require a certain level of attention and precision.  (linking hobbies to claims without specific examples, make it less credible and superficial) I chose to study engineering as it is a platform where my creativity and critical problem-solving skills can be put to good use, to the benefit of the public.

What I wish to gain from this module is related to my communication weaknesses. I need

to improve my ability to be an engaging presenter and writer. Though I can speak fairly

well since I use English at home, I often fear that what I say may not be relevant to my

audience, or it may not be interesting. In moments when I sense that I’m losing my

audience, I might panic.  (repeating the idea of weak comm, vague statements, there’s no specific examples, making it difficult for the professor to understand what exactly she wants to improve)

Also, (Instead of also, furthermore or moreover can be used to enhance writing quality) in terms of writing, I need to refine my grammar and trim the frayed ends of my organizational skills. (It’s an email, not creative writing) At times I slip into Singlish as I write, and often my formal essays don’t keep in focus. This is not to discount my capacity to present thoughts and ideas on paper, but there is always room for editing and improvement. (tone is casual, sounds like a conversation)

Let’s strive for more effective communication and sharper thinking!  (seems like call-to-action rather than wanting to seek guidance)

Overall its lacking flow, many disjointed sentences

Yours sincerely

Sheila Shankar